Somehow, my nutrition blog became more about me bitching about my depression. Eventually, I plan on getting back into talking about food things, but for now I am chronicling my experiences. Hopefully they help someone down the line.
So, if my life were a standup comedian, it would be Jerry Seinfeld. Because the joke would be “what’s the deal with freshman year?” and people would laugh and that line alone would become a meme. My freshman year of college was pretty much the worst I hope my life becomes, because I pretty much lost everything I had.
Starting off with fall term, I had “lost” my friends. I mean, I was still friends with them, and I still communicated with them a lot, but I lacked that physical contact with everyone. The loneliness was real, and really hurt.
Winter term was when things took a nose dive. I had too much debt, and it was looking like I would have to drop out at this point. I took on another job, so I was working two part time jobs. The second job was so stressful that I started to have problems with my heart. My relationship started to deteriorate at this point as well (if my ex is reading this, no hard feelings, but it just didn’t work out. Long distance relationships tend to do that). My roommate started to be more inconsiderate as well, since he was playing video games until the wee hours of the morning, despite me telling him to be quiet. So, by this point, I had lost my mind, my health, my money, began losing my relationship. I only had two things to lose at this point. My grades, and my life.
Sometime during winter term, someone had jumped from the parking structure, and died. This had happened probably in the building right next to my dorms. I remember seeing cops in the area, and I had no idea of the grim reality that had happened there. This was a wakeup call for me, since I saw myself heading down that path. I had struggled with myself for a while, because seeing what the poor guy went through woke some demons up in me. The amount of empathy I had increased thirty fold, and for the next few weeks, I was emotionally in pain. Because of this, I took steps to bettering myself. I decided to reduce my workload, and I quit my second job, because they treated the student workers like shit. I took fewer credits, to focus more on myself as well.
Spring is a time of renewal. Coming back from spring break was a fresh start for me. I started to hang out with some of the people I met in my dorm (if any of you are reading this, you are pretty fucking awesome in my book. Except for “that guy.” Yeah, you asshole, you damn well know who you are. You suck.) so I wasn’t so lonely. My now-ex and I called it off. It was a pretty clean break that probably should have happened sooner. While my problems with the roommate persisted, I was at the point that I was like “fuck it, the year will be over soon enough.”
And sure enough, it was over soon enough. Somehow I had gone through Hell, and survived.
The lesson here that I have to teach is that it gets better. If you feel like harming yourself, or committing suicide, I please, please, PLEASE urge you to get help. There is always help. One of my regrets was not getting that help at all, so I suffered where I probably should not have.
And again, like with the last post, I want to thank the people who spent time with me during my freshman year. I know I am a sarcastic asshole who doesn’t show as much appreciation as I probably should, but I am now taking the time to thank you for being there for someone in need.