Alive by Me Krupps

This is going to be my final post to wrap up my depression stories.  I am simply going to recap some of the lessons I learned, and why I started this side project on my nutrition blog.

The first thing about mental illness, like depression, is that it can happen to anyone.  Mine has no real cause other than some biochemical bullshit happening in my brain.  Our society stigmatizes mental illness, which is a problem because nobody talks about it, and people are afraid to get care.  Imagine if people treated mental illness like broken bones.  There really should be no reason for people to treat others poorly because of an illness.

Secondly, some of my darkest days shaped my future for the better.  Because of my depression, I figured out what I wanted to do with life.  I had reshaped my life, and started to figure out what worked, and what did not.  I could not see that things were going to be better then.  People have a tendency to be unable to see the forest from the trees.  If your present sucks now, take steps to make the future better, and it will be better.

Third, change sucks, but if you embrace it, good things can come out of it.  Much like a plant my mother transplants during gardening, when first moved into new soil, it wilts.  But, if taken care of, it can bloom into a motherfucking monster of a tomato plant that makes some damn fine produce.

Lastly, be humble about things.  Treat others, as well as yourself, with respect.  I appreciate what people have done for me in the past, even if it didn’t seem it at the time.  I also can look in the mirror, and see my flaws.  I am human, so perfection is an impossible goal.  Being ambitious, I strive to reach it, but I know I will not reach it.  Still, because I respect myself, I seek happiness in my work.  Life is not about the successes you have, but how you get back up from failure, and those who help you recover.

Currently, I am happy to be alive.  The fruits of my labors are paying off.  I got into the dietetics program in university, so my dreams are coming true.  I have loving friends and family who have supported me the whole way.

But, in all honesty, it is possible I could have not been able to see it.  Often, I have thought about suicide.  It fucking sucks, to say the least.  Had I gone through, I would not have been able to find the happiness that life has bestowed upon me now.  So, for anyone even considering committing suicide, I beg you, please, don’t.  Life might not be peachy now, but it can be in the future.  Get help, there is no shame in doing so.  Hopefully, my life story inspires someone out there to get the help they deserve.  People out there do care, and life is an amazingly wonderful thing.

The Nutrition Punk’s Haiku Corner

I got really bored

Wrote nutritional haikus

What am I doing?

Kale

Dark, green, leafy food

High nutrient dense mofo

Not just for hipsters

Celery

Long, green, high-fiber

Low Calorie water sticks

Colonic tooth brush

Coffee

Hot black seed water

Highly caffeinated prick

I drank the whole pot

Alcohol

Not very healthy

Bad, good effects.  Moderate.

I am too snobby.

Romaine Lettuce

Vitamin A rich

Beta-carotene eye sight

1-5-0 percent

Carrots

Rooty veg’table

Also Vitamin A full

Eaten with some Ranch

Bread

High glycemic load

I eat bread with sandwiches

Get the whole grain shit

 

Nuts

Some are allergic

High protein and healthy fats

Wasabi almonds

Trans-fats

Hydrogenated

Suck my dietetic cock

Linked to C-V-D


Apples

Crunchy, sweet, orb things

Variety of uses

Arsenic in core

Potatoes

Underground tubers

High carbohydrate staple

Potassium king

Any more haikus?

Think mine are poorly written?

Comment some below!!

(photo from MKDigitalArt at pixabay.com)

Giving Up by Amigreat

The final story before my epilogue comes from spring term of 2015.  This is a case where the bigger they are, the harder they fall.  Now, coming from winter term, I had gotten a 4.0.  A fucking 4.0.  In college.  Not to mention, I was taking organic chemistry.  Organic.  Fucking.  Chemistry.  So, I think it is safe to say I was hot shit.  However, like actual high-temperature fecal materials, shit’s still shit.  I got knocked down a couple pegs the next term.

In an attempt to make my resume look better, I decided to try my hand at computer science.  Little did I know at the time, but this would probably be one of the biggest errors I would make in college.  Now, like my many other youthful peers, I have done dumb shit like procrastinate on a project until last minute, or forget about due dates or whatever.  Hell, I even done social faux pas that probably made me some enemies (I mean, I swear like a sailor, and can talk about controversial topics, like religion and politics, in a controversial manner, so don’t h8 m8).  I have not made mistakes that resulted in police action though, so there’s a plus.  My mistake was trying to educate myself in another field.  Go figure, that I get in trouble for trying to better myself, and others get in trouble for having weed and alcohol underage.

So what was so bad about computer science?  Well, for starters, since I had ZERO experience with coding, I sucked at trying to learn C++.  Congrats to those of you who can code a billion lines of code and get something cool to happen, I can barely code to get the computer to say “you fucking suck at coding, motherfucker.”  Secondly, the professor and teaching assistants I found less than helpful.  I tried my best, and yet there was a lack of understanding.  When I approached them for help, they gave a “this is easy” vibe, when I was struggling.  Fortunately, I was able to get the class on a pass/fail grading system, since I did not need it for my major.  For the first time in my entire educational career, I failed a class.

So, what did I learn?  Well, this class knocked me flat on my ass in a one-hit KO.  I learned to be humbler.  I also learned that human health is really my domain, and I should stay there.  I am all for branching out and trying new things (I mean, I am minoring in writing), but know your limits as well.  I went through this Hell, and I emerged relatively unscathed.  Sure, I had pissed away some money for the class, but the only thing that really got damaged was my pride.  I still made Honor Roll, because I did well enough in my other classes.  But damn, did this pull my head out of my ass.

Hurt by Mine Inch Fails

Somehow, my nutrition blog became more about me bitching about my depression.  Eventually, I plan on getting back into talking about food things, but for now I am chronicling my experiences.  Hopefully they help someone down the line.

So, if my life were a standup comedian, it would be Jerry Seinfeld.  Because the joke would be “what’s the deal with freshman year?” and people would laugh and that line alone would become a meme.  My freshman year of college was pretty much the worst I hope my life becomes, because I pretty much lost everything I had.

Starting off with fall term, I had “lost” my friends.  I mean, I was still friends with them, and I still communicated with them a lot, but I lacked that physical contact with everyone.  The loneliness was real, and really hurt.

Winter term was when things took a nose dive.  I had too much debt, and it was looking like I would have to drop out at this point.  I took on another job, so I was working two part time jobs.  The second job was so stressful that I started to have problems with my heart.  My relationship started to deteriorate at this point as well (if my ex is reading this, no hard feelings, but it just didn’t work out.  Long distance relationships tend to do that).  My roommate started to be more inconsiderate as well, since he was playing video games until the wee hours of the morning, despite me telling him to be quiet.  So, by this point, I had lost my mind, my health, my money, began losing my relationship.  I only had two things to lose at this point.  My grades, and my life.

Sometime during winter term, someone had jumped from the parking structure, and died.  This had happened probably in the building right next to my dorms.  I remember seeing cops in the area, and I had no idea of the grim reality that had happened there.  This was a wakeup call for me, since I saw myself heading down that path.  I had struggled with myself for a while, because seeing what the poor guy went through woke some demons up in me.  The amount of empathy I had increased thirty fold, and for the next few weeks, I was emotionally in pain.  Because of this, I took steps to bettering myself.  I decided to reduce my workload, and I quit my second job, because they treated the student workers like shit.  I took fewer credits, to focus more on myself as well.

Spring is a time of renewal.  Coming back from spring break was a fresh start for me.  I started to hang out with some of the people I met in my dorm (if any of you are reading this, you are pretty fucking awesome in my book.  Except for “that guy.”  Yeah, you asshole, you damn well know who you are.  You suck.) so I wasn’t so lonely.  My now-ex and I called it off.  It was a pretty clean break that probably should have happened sooner.  While my problems with the roommate persisted, I was at the point that I was like “fuck it, the year will be over soon enough.”

And sure enough, it was over soon enough.  Somehow I had gone through Hell, and survived.

The lesson here that I have to teach is that it gets better.  If you feel like harming yourself, or committing suicide, I please, please, PLEASE urge you to get help.  There is always help.  One of my regrets was not getting that help at all, so I suffered where I probably should not have.

And again, like with the last post, I want to thank the people who spent time with me during my freshman year.  I know I am a sarcastic asshole who doesn’t show as much appreciation as I probably should, but I am now taking the time to thank you for being there for someone in need.

The End is the Beginning is my End by Smashing Punk-ins

First of all, that was a horrible pun, and I should be ashamed.  Secondly, the story of the week.  Senior year of high school was really weird for me.  I wasn’t depressed as much as stressed the fuck out.  All the advanced placement classes took their toll on me, and my mood soured.  I started to get really irritated with things.  For me, the senioritis (which, really is a stupid fucking name when you learn human pathology.  The suffix –itis means an inflammation, which means that everyone during their final year of schooling gets inflamed?  I motion we start calling it “seniorosis,” which means a condition of being a senior, but I digress) really hit around halfway through the year.  I really began dreading going to school.  I liked the people I associated with (after taking all my general credits, the people I was in class with were more like me, so we got along better), and I liked my teachers for the most part (some of them really supported me on my way into the path I follow now).  I just didn’t like the environment.

I know that a lot of people thought I was going to be a serial killer.  I went with it, because the joke was funny to me.  I mean, I am an angry white man who listens to too much heavy metal and plays violent video games that glorify violence against everyone.  For anyone who played Grand Theft Auto V, Trevor retroactively became my spirit animal.  I acted a lot like him, with less male pattern balding.  I suppose now that I have matured since then, people have been able to see my teddy bear side.  God damn it.  Since I was already painted in a sort-of negative light, I stopped giving any fucks.  Whatever image people had of me, I was like “pfft, fuck that.  Imma do this cuz it’s funny!”  And I had fun, surprisingly.  Sure, I had problems with stress and procrastination, but senior year was when things were getting fun.  Freshman year was dictated by depression, my sophomore year I had bad acne that had to have medical intervention, with pills that basically turned my blood toxic for the next year.  Junior year I was trying to recover from all that had happened prior.

So, basically, I survived high school, but barely.  The take-away lesson here is do whatever you want, and let peoples’ judgments have little impact on life.  I mean, if what you are doing is illegal, maybe not do that?  I don’t want some wacko quoting my stupid blog saying that I okayed them to murder someone.

I also want to take the time to thank those of you who talked with me in high school, through thick, thin, somewhere in between or whatever!  It is appreciated!